2016 was big for us, real big.
I set an intention at the very beginning of the year and strongly spoke it out loud – I wanted to stop unhealthy relationship cycles, a pattern that had weaved its way in and out of my life for the past decade.
There was a deep concern about how life might play out if I didn’t change the steps, thoughts and beliefs that kept leading us down the same path, time and time again.
Did I have the strength to choose another way? I wasn’t quite sure, but I knew that I was quickly running out of options.
Over my lifetime I had never consciously chosen relationships that would aid in my growth or benefit my well-being. I won’t talk about that in more depth here because that belongs in a life that is so incredibly different from the one I have now, with who I am now, but put simply, I was a wounded healer who would give everything and lose everything all in the same breath. It always seemed to be one-sided, and to tell you the honest truth heart, I finally got so damn sick of seeing that all too familiar dead end street.
I know this place.
I know this person.
I’ve dated you before.
But I knew in order to move towards the incredible relationships with men that I so desired, the journey would mean lowering my guard, my need for independence and for my world to be far more open than it previously had been. I’d have to feel to heal and in doing so I’d begin to finally learn the lessons that had evaded me for so long.
So I did.
And it was a mixture of everything – excitement, disappointment, rose-tinted glasses and the deep urge to turn around, go back.
Trust me, heart – I tried.
My most vulnerable state was within the steps of this journey. One tiny step forwards before I’d take a leap backwards behind a tree where I’d peer out to make sure the path was clear before tip-toeing out again ever so slightly.
I met lost dreamers and cheeky smiles that teased from behind sad eyes. I met men who had lived and were living, men who were searching everywhere for something that was right before their very own eyes, those who wanted too much and others who wanted too little and young souls who were yet to grow into their being a little bit more comfortably not too unlike myself. Overall, I kept finding the types of men that I had already dated more than a fair few times but this time it wasn’t to join them on the ride, but to discover who I was beneath the multicoloured layers that ran deep and to experience the reawakening of a heart that went deeper still.
Sometimes it hurt. A lot.
Other times, I didn’t feel too much at all.
Slowly, I started to see all the puzzle pieces I had previously missed with one stand out realisation; the weight of expectation of who I wanted these people to be to me was always a reflection of what I craved to find within.
I wanted to be seen, heard, held and that all too terrifying feeling: loved.
Honestly heart, I finally realised that I was more afraid of being loved than I was of not being enough or the “right fit” for everyone that came my way.
“What if he actually liked you?” I’d be asked and I’d shudder, so uncomfortable at the thought of it all.
We were so used to holding down our fort solo, heart. So used to holding space for daydreams but not much more.
It was our uncomfortable comfortable.
Then I went and made space. I found out how to fill up my own cup from the inside out – a work in progress that I’m so enamoured with. My soul sings louder for doing so and I can feel it in every ounce of my being as I reconnect to who we always were, but felt too shy to show.
I listened to my gut, instead of my head. Such a daydreamer we are, such a creative one, such a story-teller. Out of the head, back into the sweet spot we needed to go and it fitted, felt good, nice, just like home.
And I started walking away from anyone or anything that no longer fit within. Lessons that were learnt no longer needed to be clung to out of hope that the pages would be rewritten, and even if they had been there was a power in knowing that this wasn’t what I wanted anymore.
So powerful. I smile just thinking about it.
I was so used to hanging around until I got put onto someone’s “maybe” or “one-day” pile that I stopped waiting to be chosen and chose myself.
Damn, it felt good.
I started getting intimate with what I really wanted, not what I really didn’t.
Communication? You better believe it.
Forget caring if that intimidated others, or put me on the “too hard” list – I know now that what is meant for me will never, ever miss me. There’s something sweet and strong about standing in your own light, not afraid to just be.
I also know now that there’s some travelling I’m meant to do alone, with myself, for myself, before one-day making space for another to join. More travelling within, learning, growing, understanding, releasing and some travelling without – more retreats are calling my name and I can’t wait to follow the inner pull to where feels right.
A handful of days ago, I turned another year older – 26, our favourite number and one that I’d always loudly proclaim was a “magical year” for anyone who reached there first. And if this year is the building blocks for 2017, then I’m more than ready to reap the rewards.
A little bit of this and a lot of magic. You’ve felt it all this year, heart and you’ve beat strongly despite the hurdles.
God dammit, I love you. I do.
Here’s to more adventures.
Tell me wildflowers, what lessons of growth will you be taking away from 2016? I’d love to hear in the comment section below.